maskara!!

My childhood days are my greatest and happiest stage in my life. In this stage, all the things I want, I can easily get. I have my freedom to play, to roam in our community and to join environmental activities. My parents always gives my needs and wants, maybe because I'm only child.
The time comes that the dark clouds cover my life. It makes my whole world darker and dimmer. It is the reason why I need to cover up myself with mask.
When my mother gave birth to my two younger brother and sister, that's the time that the dark clouds cover up my personality. I try my very best so that my parents show my efforts but they always "binabalewala" it. They always give importance to my brother and sister. They always hate me. All the things I do is always wrong/bad in their eyes. I thought I didn't do the right thing. Every time I enter at my school, my classmates told me that I'm always blooming. always happy but they don't know what's the true stories behind those simple smiles and joyous laughter. Until I finished my studies in elementary. I finished elementary that my classmates don't know my true personality.
Entering high school is the hardest thing I did because they didn't sent me in school I want. They sent me in school far from my friends, in school where I didn't know anybody. I try to adjust so that I find new friends. Like elementary, I always cover up myself with simple smiles and joyous laughter, because I don't want to be down by others. I don't bring my problems in school so that I can focus on my studies. High school life, I try to do my best to get medals and honors but I can't. My classmates always told me that I'm ningas cogon; "sa una lang magaling". They always told me that my intelligence and enthusiasms are always at first and it fades away. It hurts me so much but I try to cover it. In short, all my problems, heartache, violent feeling & reactions are all covered with smiles and laughter. At this time, I try to be a BAD BOY. I always live my life the way I want to be. I didn't follow rules even curfews and limitations. Besides that, when I do good, nobody remembers but when I do bad, nobody forgets. I try to escape those problems but GOD always bring it back to me. There are times that I lost my faith in HIM because of those problems I faced. Those problems that try to pull me down. Problems that I try to cover with smiles. I didn't enjoy high school life because of that problems. I try to fit myself in our section but I can't because I thought I don't belong. I thought they always back fight me. Tiniis ko lahat ng 'yon, sabi ko nalang sa sarili ko na: "kaya ko ito at ipapakita ko sa kanila na magagawa ko". I didn't enjoy high school so that it's not hard for me to leave. I thought high school life is the memorable stage but it's not. Maybe because I can't feel the essence of happiness in high school.
Last stage of education; COLLEGE LIFE. Akala ko hindi na ako makakatapak ng kolehiyo. I pass the PUPCET Examination so that my dreams are easily become brighter. Like elementary and high school, I bring my mask that covers me. The mask of killer smiles and joyous laughter. But this time, I try to break that mask. I want to enjoy college life that my classmates didn't back fight me. I want to be true to myself. Gusto ko ng iwan ang nakaraan. Yun bang pag masaya ako, masaya ako. Pag malungkot ako, malungkot ako. Ayoko ng itago yung emosyon ko. Gusto ko ipakita kung sino ako pero natatakot ako. Natatakot ako mapahiyta, natatakot akong mapagtawanan. Takot na ako. I always ask GOD to give me strength and fade my weaknesses.
I am weak.Don't know how to fight. Takot akong lumaban dahil takot akong masaktan. Hope in my future those mask that covers me will fade away and I stand on my own. Stand with confidence. And be true to myself because I know only truth will set me free. Hope in my future, I have my strength to face the truth without any doubt. Face the truth with faith in GOD. Because I know GOD don't want me to pull down. He wants me to learn more about life and He wants me to grow in a right thing. To grow under His laws. GOD loves me so He try me to be unique and He challenge me to be successful human being.


_-joshua mendoza-_